apparently is behind every crappy retail position available.  so why can't i just create a profile with them and fill out optional stuff when i want to work at a new exciting retail environment?  really now.  now.  now i get to do it again.  oh.  and apparently the "answers" to the personality survey have been posted on the internet?  all strongly agree or strongly disagree.  ok people?!  not for the weak of heart.

it looks like the housing problem has been solved by another problem.  new question of the week, anyone know of positions available in downtown area?  in the low teens to single digit streets.  hopefully near illinoise street?  i don't really want to need a car...

my antivirus program ate some of the files for flstudios.  which i was using for drum programming.  now fl thinks it is just a demo.  :(  it is unfortunate because i had almost half of a song programmed and now all the notes come out as synths.  not so bad if the notes had anything to do with the rest of the song.  but virtual drum machines has the hits assigned to keys all willy nilly.  if you have done this sort of thing before... it no happy!  wel well welll.  bonus question.  anyone know of a good vst drum machine?  free of course.

i'm modeling my life after that of another.  i can't help but wonder if that isn't a mistake.  just like i can't help but wonder if everything i do is a mistake.

best way to find cheap place to rent in indy?

thinking and thinking and thinking in what i think is the wrong direction.  telling you my plans without executing them.  i am a fiction presented in the form of online rambling. 

are alive.  and i am hiding.

again it comes down to work ethic.

also, if anyone has any books that they feel are the authority on whatever occult, religious, or pseudo science, and would be willing to lend it to me for long period of time?  i  realized all i read are the pocket book abbreviation.  the only full sized, not-the-kiddie-pool, book i am in the middle of is the bible.  yes, the one with manga in it.  may i just say, MANGAjZUZ

is my last week at the recording studio.  it was a good idea, but poorly executed.  i still have the opportunity to go back and record a "project" sometime.  okay, special, thanks folks.

as a result, i'll probably be to WLaff in the near future.  oh boy.

i am recording a suicide cover.  i want to make it interesting.  most of the songs on the self titled album (the one i have for reference) are like this. 
drum machine: thfffthfffthfffthfffthfffthfffthfffthfffthfffthfffthfffthfffthfffthfffthfffthfffthfffthfffthfff
bass synth: some cowbow riff
organ:                                                                                                              STAB
vocals:  elvis impersonator saturated with delay.

i am recording a suicide cover because ash thinks that when nakul and i get this project together that we will sound like suicide.  possibly maybe.

GET IT?!

there are two and a half tonnes of people here at the library.  i'm trying to listen to some kid's myspace music and the connection says, no, here are two second bursts instead.  i'm trying to check out some kid's myspace art and it is like this: PHOTOSHOP OVERLOAD!!!  here i am trying to post and my browser dies.  i just restarted my computer in ubuntu instead of windows, and my draft was still saved.  neat huh?  i'm sure that would mean something if i could remember anything from my computer science and networking classes.

on a related note.  my mother made a comment referencing something that one of my former therepists said about me.  i had no idea what she was referencing.  no.  idea.  another testament to my ability to forget things that i don't want to remember.  [invoking the names made above others]  some of these sentences are directed more pointedly at some and others.

sometimes i'm not sure some of you still exist.

the hollow clap of a drum machine.  a little more reverb.  a little more.

fan starts, time to leave.

i get my lexicon omega today.  i don't get to use it till tomorrow.  tomorrow. tomorrow.tomorrow.
tomorrow i have to go to work at 6:45 am.  i think it is some sort of loyalty test.  then again, once i worked at meijer, and they asked me to go behind the store and put the leaves in the parkinglot into a plastic trash bag.  i could have sworn it was a cruel initiation ritual/joke.  i wonder if perhaps it wasn't, because i have since, watched other service workers partake in this task.  but i'm still not completely convinced that it isn't some sort of brainwashing, loyalty enforcing, evil, evil rite.

the manga bible:  i got it.
i don't even know where to go from there.  but yeah it is exsistis.  is that worse or better than avril lavigneh's manga?  something inflamitory.  better yet: better that Jjezuz.  from gman and gwman.  guilt.  gullet, who me?  i will have things and i will be sorry about it.
i'm going to start carrying sns around notecardsa a a a a a a and marker.  with four you?  secret knots givne to unspeldjg itnf soa s tra ng er s.  its a code.  ist a code sitna a code. ins t a  cold.
do you remember the things we used to do?  when did you decide that i was not to be paid attention to?  when did i decide to cry for help, if at all?  are you just skimming this post right now?
my dreams have been filled with sexuality and old aquantences.  the type that never had anything to do with my nether regions.  in places unexpected.  taco bell, crashed cars, her bedroom, his bedroom, parking lots.  is this safe?  are you clean? who are these other people and what are they doing to me?
now they tell me.  "also availeable in black later this year."  custards.  i souldk mentiong, bes huer to czeck outtthe nano's animime.  ograph.  i gues it suits you well.
charades, anyone?

spinning is necessar, miscarry, scary, scurry, descry, nursery, nosegay, scare, Zaccaria, securer, Nazcay.

i do have some stories to tell though.

i should note, this was my idea.

witty comment:  MEIJER, REDSHIRTS!

how to disappear completely:  this time i'm not just quoting radiohead, i'm asking for advise.  the more effects i used, the less i like the sounds.  my father is trying to think of a proper punishment for my suspension.  of the faileures in my life, i think i am still living with my parents.  audio.  oh, but watch it, i'll start checking my email if you reply.  i'm building an army of eccentrics, artists, and intelectuals in my head.  watch, as they are assembled.  watch, as if.  there are some incredibly smart or well written or artistic people on my bookmark list.  only one or two social jumps away.  whatif/asif. 

i am in the middle of:  thelma & louise, books on magic, books on dreams, books on creativity, a bottle of rum, the library, a few dozen ideas.

at least i know i'll get through the rum.

PROVE ME WRONG
WHAT THE HAND?

three day suspension.  begins today.  i'm not bitter, i'm just not sure how to express this emotion.

also, these talismen around my neck, what are they and what do they mean?

i had a dream.  even in it i could fly.  i was in meijer, trying to escape.  all of my managers were chasing me.  i flew to the ceiling, they followed me.  i went through the air ducts, they followed me.  i almost made it past the loading dock, they caught me.  i didn't escape.

i went to sleep with the intention of finding some sort of mentor for my studies.  he came to me in a dream and told be a light pink lipstick would complement my skin tone better.

i vaguely recall deciding to give a customer $1.50 instead of $1.41 to make them go away.  I knew there was a dollar way over there, but did not have the energy to get it for them.  I left 50 cents on the counter hoping they would take it and leave me alone.  This was about 2:30 am.  When I woke up this morning, there it was.  fifty cents, sitting on the desk by my bed.

things i am currently digging about the effects of alcohol.  increased dream recall (in all likely hood related to poorer sleep quality).  moreso than going to sleep drunk, i like waking up and going to work drunk.

things i am not currently digging about my dreams.  certain someones showing up and participating in certain somethings with to be certain, myself.

but its all in the interest of science.  so and so.

and fnordly, i have no idea how i am still employed.  what is this madness?  to follow it all up, a long list of things i meant to do when it was still summer:
  to impress you with all the things i'm doing.
to build on the past and make myself look better in the future.

i burnt my thumb on paper copies
chocolate, styrofoam, cofee
to make our bones stronger
to free us from...

it looks like i'll be having more free time in my near future.

far too often, i find myself wondering why an item won't scan.

only to wake holding my alarm clock in one hand and a bundle off sheets in the other.

and a scene i caused.

as an aside, last night i had a dream that i went back to school.  no to actually attend school, but to see all of my friends.  it was the best thing that has happened this week.

the first time in two weeks i think "i'm going to kill myself" (albeit frivilously) is after two days of forgetting my medication.  interesting indeed.

can't i just get a degree in eclecticism?  make a living being eclectic?

there are some great OLD books at salvation army.  great!

i bought the rocketeer on vhs today.  my hypothetical children will have a vast knowledge of ancient media.

pseudo revelation i had the other day:  do i not want people to touch me, or do i not want to touch people?

i really only did two "recording sessions" this summer.  no noise recordings at all.  i'm taking some time to listen to what i think are the best tracks.  farr too many times i just gave u p on the song half way through...it makes for a lot of listening to the same damn song's intro over and over and ovary.  why do i continue to write music that is questionably within my vocal range?

i've been waiting for a good day to start my medication.  a day that will be exactly the same as the last, so i can tell if they improve mood or not.  whatever.  i took the plunge yesterday.  i don't feel any better, but maybe its just the circumstances?  ;)